Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Ode to CHUCK.....


During a recent beering hour the conversation turned to who really was the greatest action hero of them all...the clear winner was always going to be THE CHUCK...in honour of his greatest...I have prepared a the FACTS of Life...CHUCKS Life...all additions welcome...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the
good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fvck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket..

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
That's no glitch."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a f*cking Indian.

10 comments:

Rambo must die said...

I agree with Smuigin..Chuck is the greatest....Rambo comes a close second..given his ability to destroy the Russian army on his own with just his bow and arrow!!

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Anonymous said...

End of world war 2 - 2nd September 1945

Chuck Norris Date of Birth - (you guessed it.) 2nd September 1945

Hydrogen bomb my ass

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The Watcher said...

And so it was written...

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The Special One said...

Chuck Norris doesn't feel pain,
Pain feels Chuck Norris.

The Special One said...

The ode to Chuck must continue....
Chuck Norris can finish connect four in three moves!!

Hotspur said...

When Chuck Norris' daughter lost her virginity, Chuck hunted down the teenage punk who did it, and got it back

Hotspur said...

Some more amazing feats of the man they call Chuck "the c**t" Norris

1. When Chuck Norris jumps into water, he doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck instead.

2.Chuck Norris is the reason wally is hiding.

3. You are what you eat. That is why chucks diet consists entirely of bricks, steel and the tears of small children.

4. Chuck played russian roulette with a loaded gun and won.

5. Chuck Norris coined the phrase " I could eat a horse" after he ate the last unicorn in existence.

6. Chuck Norris haunts Freddie Krugers nightmares.

7. The eternal conundrum of "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when chuck norris punched himself in the face.

An Smuigin said...

The Testement according to Chuck

And so the bible tells us, on the seventh day, the Lord rested and surveyed all he had created...then Chuck roundhouse kicked the gates of Heaven down and taught the good Lord a lesson for slacking off...

Mr. X said...

Chuck Norris can lead a orse to water and make him drink!

Chuck norris dosent wear a watch he decides what time it is!

The reason the energiser bunny is running is because he is running from Chuck

Chuck Norris dosen't get frost bite He bites frost!

Chuck Norris wears cowboy boots made from real cowboys!

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.